Dealing
With Insensitive Comments
Hardly a person embarks on the journey of infertility
without experiencing the insensitive comments made often by
those who are very near and dear to us. Whether it’s
the “I’m trying to help you by telling you that
you are the problem and you just need to relax” comments
or the “It’s obvious that I want to be slapped
because I just told you that maybe you are not a good enough
person and God is punishing you” type of comment. Whatever
the situation may be, there are a few guidelines for dealing
with such insensitivity (violence is not one of them).
In the beginning the “just relax”
comments are not that bad. However, after awhile these comments
become very annoying and seemingly rude. To handle these try
to remember that the person is not intentionally trying to
downplay your feelings but rather trying to help. A simple
and polite reply such as “I wish it were that simple
for everyone, but unfortunately some of us have to work a
little harder” may help. This type of reply politely
lets them know that there may be other issues that you do
not necessarily want to discuss. Also, you can simply explain
to the individual that this type of comment implies that they
are undermining a possible medical condition and can come
off as very insensitive. Be polite, but honest, about how
the comments make you feel but do not harbor the ill feelings
without addressing them, this only adds to the stress.
Then, there are the other insensitive comments.
With these comments, evaluate who is making them. If it’s
someone that you know is only trying to hurt your feelings,
then its not worth continuing the conversation. I recommend,
in these case,completely ignoring them. Seriously, anyone
who would make such a comment is not worthy of a reply. Politely
withdraw from the conversation and never discuss it with them
again. The key here is not to get noticeably angry. If someone
is obviously trying to hurt you then, your display of hurt
or anger will only please and encourage this type of behavior.
In cases of the insensitive mil (mother in law)
the above rule still applies. The difference here is that
she is more likely to constantly be involved because of the
nature of the relationship. But it doesn’t mean that
you have to discuss anything. If your relationship is such
that you can have a heart to heart with her, then do so. If
not, then let it be and refuse (politely) to discuss this
issue with her. Here, you and your husband will need to address
the issue and find ways to politely get her to back off. Sometimes
simply hearing from her son is enough. Remember your goal
is to reduce the stress in your life and one way is to refuse
to let such a situation to be a major source of stress in
your life. Keep your eye on the prize and let it fuel determination
instead of malice.
Infertility is mentally, physically and emotionally
taxing. My personal advice is “don’t go to bed
angry.” Either you have to address the issue personally
and try to clarify and resolve it or forgive it and move on.
The emphasis here is on the move on, forgiving someone, doesn’t
mean you have to be a constant source of ridicule. Remember
all of the things that you have to be happy about and use
them as a source of strength. It’s normal to feel upset
and distressed. Fortunately for you, they cannot decide your
fate. They can only be a major source of stress, and only
if you allow it. The ball is in your court on this one.
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